How to 释怀?

[rainmaker1]

Originally Posted by Max9

Bro, I too, ended an affair in Jan 2021 with someone that came too late in my life cos she doesn't wanna break up my family. We were together for about 8 months. She's divorced twice and didn't want my wife to go through what she been through.

Till date, almost 3 years, I still can't get over her and I realised, time won't heal. But time will teach u to live with the pain.

3 years sounds long. But then again, some say it takes a lifetime for this type of things

Every people situation is different. It depends on the love involved.

[dragontank]

This thread touch my heart.. Yes i too ended my affair in 2016 which lasted for 2 years 8 months. Both of us r married and i have to let go of her eventually as i cant just divorce my wife and my kids..

Till then i still cant let go of her completely.. Though it have been 7 years and just as TS.. I dun dare to get emotionally involved with another girl again.. Knowing that it will get us nowhere again..

[atom_nova]

It's so tough to be sad and still have to appear normal/ happy infront of others. The only thing for me now is to spend more time with family 天伦之乐 and compensate them for the time loss, while I was with this girl.

[Max9]

Originally Posted by atom_nova

It's so tough to be sad and still have to appear normal/ happy infront of others. The only thing for me now is to spend more time with family 天伦之乐 and compensate them for the time loss, while I was with this girl.

Bro, the time when I spent with her were the only times I don't have to pretend to be happy

[atom_nova]

I was truly happy with her, and when we broke off, I wasn't happy. I have to put up a front infront of others, but deep down no one knows I am actually unhappy.

You know, I envy you guys where you and your affairs are sweet and happy and broke off not because you treated each other differently, but because one of you doesn't want the other to go through some sort of emotional rollercoaster.

Update: I still reach out and we still ON/OFF for a few times, but each time is short lived. However, I am only treated with harsh words, stating im not doing enough even though I have given most of my time and attention to her. Always finding things to be mad at me and break up with me over and over again. Really to a point I feel very jaded and really enjoy time at home. I hope I don't U-turn. I hope I really manage to 释怀. I hope.

[urger]

The hard part of ending a relationship or affair with a girl is not about:

1. She is the best among all you have been with.
2. She is the perfect one.
3. Time will not erase this memory of her.


The actual issue is that we men always want to pursue any issue with a proper closure, and in this instance to have a proper happy ending with the girl you are having an affair. However, the fact is that we know that it is impossible unless both parties are willing to give up what you have currently (family, status etc).

So when the inevitably unwilling breakup seems to be an "incomplete" closure to this relationship. Even after many years have passed this 'incompleteness" will still linger in our mind and more than often we want to get back to with the same girl and hopefully to have a real closure.

And that's the reason why it is so hard to end an affair.

[dragontank]

Bro i really agreed with u on this point..
For me i truly learnt a lesson..
Never commit if u cant promise the girl anything esp when we r married with kids..
It is unfair to her too and eventually she will feel drained too..
End of the day.. We men will find it difficult to let go too..
Leaving a voidness in our heart...


QUOTE=urger;22822255]The hard part of ending a relationship or affair with a girl is not about:

1. She is the best among all you have been with.
2. She is the perfect one.
3. Time will not erase this memory of her.


The actual issue is that we men always want to pursue any issue with a proper closure, and in this instance to have a proper happy ending with the girl you are having an affair. However, the fact is that we know that it is impossible unless both parties are willing to give up what you have currently (family, status etc).

So when the inevitably unwilling breakup seems to be an "incomplete" closure to this relationship. Even after many years have passed this 'incompleteness" will still linger in our mind and more than often we want to get back to with the same girl and hopefully to have a real closure.

And that's the reason why it is so hard to end an affair.[/QUOTE]

[urger]

[QUOTE=dragontank;22830981]Bro i really agreed with u on this point..
For me i truly learnt a lesson..
Never commit if u cant promise the girl anything esp when we r married with kids..
It is unfair to her too and eventually she will feel drained too..
End of the day.. We men will find it difficult to let go too..
Leaving a voidness in our heart...


So my advice to those who is struggling whether to continue or break, the answer is just to call it a stop.

If you want both parties to be really happy and move on with life, discontinuing the relationship is the only solution. We can't have the best of both worlds. There is a saying, "If you love her and want her to be happy, then do not be the one to hinder the happiness on her."

[atom_nova]

I agree with you bro, hence I decide to make her utterly disappointed with me and so she will never speak or look at me again. I guess this is the only way to let go and move on. It hurts, but no choice. I just hope she will meet someone good to her and have her own share of happiness.

One thing that she say very 扎心, "I hope we don't meet in the next life", "Why do I have to meet you in this life".

[urger]

Originally Posted by atom_nova

I agree with you bro, hence I decide to make her utterly disappointed with me and so she will never speak or look at me again. I guess this is the only way to let go and move on. It hurts, but no choice. I just hope she will meet someone good to her and have her own share of happiness.

One thing that she say very 扎心, "I hope we don't meet in the next life", "Why do I have to meet you in this life".

Good for you! There are many things in the present life waiting for you to pursue.
Find and internalise the many happiness.

[stunlikeveg]

Originally Posted by atom_nova

I agree with you bro, hence I decide to make her utterly disappointed with me and so she will never speak or look at me again. I guess this is the only way to let go and move on. It hurts, but no choice. I just hope she will meet someone good to her and have her own share of happiness.

One thing that she say very 扎心, "I hope we don't meet in the next life", "Why do I have to meet you in this life".

why cannot continue? Sounds selfish but seriously if both of you want this just continue the affair lah. People make themselves miserable by ovethinking about half baked fairness and morals. You both already cheated, period. Just make sure your other parties never find out and that is the best you can do. Ignorance is bliss

[GG6969]

Not advocating for divorce but i wonder how many couples are going through loveless marriages. I personally find it a bit disturbing when i can have many guy friends who do not love their wives at all, and play like crazy outside, but always return to act as perfect and loving husbands. I award them the best actors golden horse. And albeit expensive divorce, is it really expensive if you may be happier instead? Of course the worse would be divorce and also ended up gf-less. I wonder how things would change if the girl is self sufficient and rich.

[atom_nova]

Originally Posted by stunlikeveg

why cannot continue? Sounds selfish but seriously if both of you want this just continue the affair lah. People make themselves miserable by ovethinking about half baked fairness and morals. You both already cheated, period. Just make sure your other parties never find out and that is the best you can do. Ignorance is bliss

I guess when expectation kicks in, things will be different; eg. will demand more, be more jealous etc. which leads to more unhappiness and less happy moments. Maybe I am naive, I hope we can end on a good note and still stay in touch, but reality and expectations aren't always the same.

Right now I just hope she will be fine and find her own happiness, while I will focus all my time with my family and my friends. We did talk about it before that we come from different worlds, and our path would have never cross.

[stunlikeveg]

Originally Posted by GG6969

Not advocating for divorce but i wonder how many couples are going through loveless marriages. I personally find it a bit disturbing when i can have many guy friends who do not love their wives at all, and play like crazy outside, but always return to act as perfect and loving husbands. I award them the best actors golden horse. And albeit expensive divorce, is it really expensive if you may be happier instead? Of course the worse would be divorce and also ended up gf-less. I wonder how things would change if the girl is self sufficient and rich.

My guess is people are greedy, not necessarily because marriage is loveless or divorce is expensive. Once you are married for some years your lives becomes intertwined, more so if you have children. Too much barrier to divorce and there may still be feelings or life is good with wife. Having maintain the status quo at the same time having exciting romance outside is the easier way out.

[stunlikeveg]

Originally Posted by atom_nova

I guess when expectation kicks in, things will be different; eg. will demand more, be more jealous etc. which leads to more unhappiness and less happy moments. Maybe I am naive, I hope we can end on a good note and still stay in touch, but reality and expectations aren't always the same.

Right now I just hope she will be fine and find her own happiness, while I will focus all my time with my family and my friends. We did talk about it before that we come from different worlds, and our path would have never cross.

Dedicate this to you bro