Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[hoonkeetan]

The Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read: "I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch,
he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[hoonkeetan]

Confessions of an Italian boy

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl"
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."

[hoonkeetan]

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[Sammyboyforum]

The Cuckoo


If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest
but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

Sally was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because .. Her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer
except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.

[Sammyboyforum]

You stay out of this



A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in
the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes!
"What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general. And you do it all in the name of humor".
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize.
But the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

[Sammyboyforum]

Please come over here and help me


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..' he said with a deep sigh, 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[Sammyboyforum]

She was so Blonde


She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says, “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics”

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
* She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”
* She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde …
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company……

[Sammyboyforum]

Cartwheel



A blonde who is wearing a dress is walking home from school. She comes across a boy sitting up in a tree.
The boy says to do a cartwheel and the girl says no. Then the boy says "I'll give you a cookie."
So the blonde does a cartwheel. When she gets home, her mom asks where she got the cookie from.
The blonde tells her mother about the boy in the tree and the cartwheel.
The mother twills her daughter not to do that anymore. The boy is just trying to see her underwear.
The next day the blonde is wearing a dress again and the boy asks her to do a cartwheel again.
The blonde says no and the boy says "I'll give you a cookie." So the blonde does the cartwheel again.
When the blonde gets home, the mom says "Did you do a cartwheel again."
The blonde says "Yes"
The mom says "Honey I told you not to do that, the boy is just trying to see your underwear."
Then the blonde says "But mom I tricked him,today I didn't wear any underwear!"

[Sammyboyforum]

The Ghost!


A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Billy Ray raises! his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Billy Ray replied, "Ghossst????....Shiiiiit!...From way back there I thought you said,"Goats!"

[Sammyboyforum]

It was okay except



One night a flying saucer landed in the back yard of Tim and Ingrid of Pasadena, Texas. Two attractive aliens, one male and one female, emerged from the saucer and introduced
themselves as Martians. They told their hosts they had come to planet Earth to conduct an experiment.

Tim asked, "What do you want from us?"

The experiment was research on having sex with Earthlings, the aliens replied. "Would you two like to assist us with or experiment?"

Tim and Ingrid thought it over and said okay. Tim took the female alien into one bedroom and Ingrid took the male alien into the other bedroom. After the male was undressed,
Ingrid looked him over and started laughing. The alien asked what was so funny. Ingrid replied, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed...It's just that you're not large enough to
satisfy any woman on Earth!"

The alien replied, "No problem. Watch this." He grabbed his ears and it grew 10 inches.

With a smile, Ingrid exclaimed, "Now that's more like it!"

A few hours later, after the aliens had gone, Tim asked Ingrid, "Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

"It was fantastic," replied Ingrid. Ingrid asked, "How about you? Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

Tim replied, "It was okay except she kept pulling my ears."

[Sammyboyforum]

Sleeping at work


Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head from the desk and say " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

[iamtheman]

woah man, some jokes are good!

but some i dont really understand leh.. hahaha! nice one bro!

[hoonkeetan]

Disuse Atropy

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[hoonkeetan]

Johnny at Play

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

[hoonkeetan]

Dont mess with the cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."