Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Il1il11l]

Originally Posted by Sasthi

French Computers


A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Bro, this is a good one.

[ahmad3]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman’s Ball..”

He replied, “Highway Patrolman don’t have balls.”

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

[Sasthi]

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

[Sasthi]

Unfaithful wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

[Sasthi]

Dating etiquette

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.”

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: “Grandma, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced His family…”

Granny fainted….

[Sasthi]

Pray hard

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.

“The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’shouse. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots wereinside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?”There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot lookedover at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

[Sasthi]

Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“Id like some raisin bread please”, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he’s having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin too?”

“No,” croaks the old man “… But its starting to twitch.”

[Sasthi]

Use it or lose it

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried.

“How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!” And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued - “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

[Sasthi]

Nun decorators

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

The one nun says to the other, ?Hey, let?s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.?

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, ?Who is it??

“The Blind man!”

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, “Nice tit$. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

[ekemono]

A bigger penis

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a
West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches
the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
String-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a
string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,

"How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.."

[birdie8819]

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

[seesaw]

Safe Sex Options These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea,
it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to
help you "play it safe":

- Do not blow dealers for crack blow regular citizens for cash,
then buy the crack directly.

- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay resultant loss
of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the
clergy from harm."

- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone
to get to third base with you.

- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and
scabbed over before use.

- When taking two cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal
amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

- Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to
ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating
farm animals.

- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before
any mouth-to-mouth contact.

- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to
hope for the best.

[seesaw]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates, the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxomy blonde.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

"Get out. You're on my side," the priest replies.

[seesaw]

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"

Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

------

A man walks into a bar and looks depressed. The bartender comes over and, with a great show of compassion, gives him a beer on the house."Something bothering you, pal?" the bartender asks.

"The wife and I had a fight," the man said, "She doesn't like it when
I say the word, 'bitch.'"

"Why is that?"

"She thinks I need to learn her mother's real name."

[ah rat]

Difference between "Wife" &"Girlfriend"
Some people say :
Wife is a HARIMAU (Tiger)................
Girlfriend is HARI HARI MAU(Like to have it everyday)
And some say:
Wife is like TV, Girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)
At home watch TV, Go out bring HP.
No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.
Sometimes enjoy TV but most of the time play with HP.
TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay, the services
will be terminated.
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old but HP, is cute,
slim, curvy and very portable at any time.
Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is
high and often demanding.
Most Important, TV got remote but HP doesn't have.
Last but not least........
TV do not have virus but HP have VIRUS......
Once get it, HABIS LAH(Finish-gone case).
So better choose TV lah!