Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[~oyster~]

Man are great Listeners

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

[~oyster~]

I'm Glad I'm A Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

[Allion]

I received this from my friend in M'sia to share..

Singapore and Malaysia have different philosophies of life. This becomes apparent when we compare the two countries' Rules of Simple Living.

Singapore

1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary


Malaysia

5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels

[Allion]

CHEAP SALES

Two Malaysian are walking along Boon Lay Road when they see a sign which reads: 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair'.

Ali says to his pal, " We could buy a whole lot and when we get back to Johor, we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop, you diam-diam (quiet), okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Singapore accent."

They go in and Ali orders 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each.

The owner of the shop says, "You're from Malaysia , aren't you?"

"Oh, ... yes," says a surprised Ali. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."

[Allion]

ASEAN MEETING


During an ASEAN meeting, all leaders of the ASEAN countries were present, including LKY.

During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, "I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with an initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind."

Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: "I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 million RP a year. Isn't that smarter?"

LKY of Singapore was not impressed and say, "I told my Land Transport Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy an old printing machine and also made SGD$50 million a year."

Everybody was taken aback and asked "What the hell can you do with just SGD$500?" And LKY replied "I use the machine to print COE!!!

[Cum_Luver]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[Cum_Luver]

n a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[yogi_b]

Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says. "Well, before you jump how bout giving me a blowjob?" So, she does. After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"."My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

[yogi_b]

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes.

The shepherds agreed. The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually, "So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one of the men, "Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing.

Another week passed and one morning the young man realised that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all..."

He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.

"What? What?!!" shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!" "Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one!!?"

[yogi_b]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home-Fix shop. At the Home-Fix shop, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for the male sales staff to finish waiting on a customer.

When the male sales staff was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $1,000. "My goodness that sure is a lot." Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and the male sales staff went over to the next aisle to find it. From the next aisle male sales staff yelled, "Excuse me, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet!"

[Chicken Little]

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

[Chicken Little]

New Lease on Life

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."

[Chicken Little]

Back in Time

For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.

"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.

"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."

[Chicken Little]

Leaving a Light On

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"

"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."

Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.

"I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who's been peeing in the fridge."

[66cccc66]

a great place to start with.
thanks for all the jokes here.